theluckiest.net

#246; an introspective on limbo

2011 was a year. It was a year that I’m having a hard time explaining. Part of me feels as if things that happened only this year were in another lifetime entirely.

I’ve been writing here as Atlimbo since 2009. I had been through a rough 2008 and in the new year I needed a hobby – thus atlimbo.com was born and I began chronicling my interests and evolutions. I started the site on a whim, as a wordpress blog with the advice of some musician friends and quickly found my niche. I covered the DC music scene as a music scene outsider. I covered dating in the music scene, as I dipped my heartbroken and burnt toes back into the pool. I explored what it meant to be 24 and single and scared and brave and I like to think atlimbo.com gave me a home for all of that. 2009 gave me courage and independence and I entered 2010 with the best attitude I think I’ve ever had about anything in my life. I felt I was ready to take on the world, and in a way, I did.

In 2010 I left the safety and security of the job that had been my life, to run a risky campaign on behalf of a friend. I wouldn’t change that experience, or my decision to do it, for anything in the world, for it was the campaign that pushed me to the ultimate truth: it was time to leave DC. I had been there, sheltered and shattered so many times, by it’s white columned buildings and green Mall for many years. But it was time, Limbo was knocking, and I needed to embrace it fully. What followed was ten months of cocktail waitressing, barista-ing, road trips, and relaxation. I tried to simply not think, and I rang in 2011 at a friend’s apartment in the middle of nowhere, in Southern Virginia.

And then we hit 2011. And it’s been one hell of a year. In some ways I’m so incredibly grateful for everything I’ve dealt with this year – I am in one of the world’s most amazing cities, I am with the love of my life, I have a job that may not last but is so much of what I want my career to be, I finally found a hair color I really adore – and in someways I’m very ready for the new start of 2012 – very difficult goodbyes, a 600+ mile move, 6 months of unstable temping gigs, living in a freezing, and moldy basement for two months with friends because the price tag fit to name a few of the reasons.

Mostly, I’m feeling tired of 2011. I will forever look at 2011 as a year I took a big leap of faith and it was entirely worth it. I didn’t know what moving to Boston would hold for me. I knew two people in the city (one from high school & one from college), I had no job prospects, no school waiting for me, I had a couple bags of clothes and an air mattress that a friend in Virginia bought me. I put on a brave face and thanked my parents profusely for taking the long drive with me. But I was terrified. I had never done this before. I’m someone who’s leaped off cliffs, charmed powerful & beautiful people, someone who’s taken on much bigger challenges without the bat of an eyelash.

But this… This was faith of a kind I’d never known. This was faith in my ability to persevere, faith in my ability to take the worst that might get thrown at me and make the best of it, faith in… In myself. Transitioning to life in Boston – living with a man I’ve loved for years but a man I haven’t even been in the same state as for five years, traversing new political waters and job hunting – was difficult, it’s been rough, actually, but I love it. I love it here. I’m grateful to have met the people that make up my every day now. I’m grateful to have rekindled old friendships and that despite years of distance and difference, Piece let me into his life without hesitation. We celebrated nine months just last week.

I feel like the last couple of years have been one big transition for me, actually. And 2012 opens up to the next step – the settling in, the working my ass off, the creating, the brilliance, the brightness, and the beauty of this life that I’ve built for myself. It’s almost like my letter to 2010: “I will not let my determination falter, my hope be extinguished, or my faith waiver.”

I’m ready for whatever next steps I may have in front of me. I’m confident that this is what 2011 gave me, the chance to take a big deep breath before heading through Limbo’s exit and into that Real Life that’s been so illusive for so long. I can’t wait.

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